Copyright by Doug Hepburn
Excerpts may be copied, published or shown only with the express written permission of Doug Hepburn

      PREAMBLE  

             The Trip (  circa 1968  )

         Finally, I was forced to admit to a realization, my father, a heavy drinker had told me about. I knew now I had lost control of my mind and destiny. The sickness had pervaded my being. It seemed there was no way out, a “ cul de sac “, as it were. So there is a purgatory after all. I remember, as a boy, how I relished my plan to go fishing. “ As Poe would say, never more… What a joy it was then but now such a plan ends in a drunk wondering in a gray underworld. I remember the psychiatrist, smiling knowingly, saying to me, “and how is your sylphlike form today?”……Now I know what he meant. Well, I got my self into it. How in the hell do get out of it?……..I suppose that answer lies “in the laps of the gods.”  I was absolutely right.

             At this crucial part of my dilemma two men entered my life at the Pinewood Hospital in Vancouver and set the scene for my escape attempt from the clutches of that infamous “Mr. John Barleycorn” who represented my nemesis…….  

THE TRIP

EXCERPT FROM THE ORIGINAL SCREENPLAY MANUSCRIPT BY

SAX RAND

9:00 PM, Pinewood Hospital, Vancouver BC, Canada

            Doctor Hillary approaches room 106 pauses, knocks softly, then enters. The heavily muscled form of a man lying on a bed staring at the ceiling is vaguely revealed in the semi-darkened room. Hillary waits briefly, expectantly, silence. Hillary’s pleasant demeanor assumes an intermingling of irritation undisguised as he speaks.

     “Sax, I have just left a conference with Dr. Johnson and O’Riley, our psychiatrist. You probably know what it’s about. It’s the form we gave you to fill out. We know what’s wrong and we think you do too. That’s why you came here to see us voluntarily. But there’s something more that you don’t know.” Hillary paused as if to catch his breath. “It’s a real toughie.” Sax sat up on the edge of the bed; tense now, as if expecting the worst. His face impassive, “okay, let me have it”. Hillary edged towards the bed. “Alright, I’m going to lay it out from square one. You know, you are a pretty rare guy in this world of ours, an unadulterated idealist. You were born that way and you’ll die that way. You are extremely sensitive and you’ve been hurt over and over from way back when and it’s led you here to us. You are not an alcoholic. If I had the emotional trauma that you’ve been through I’d be in the same boat.” Hillary forced a smile. “You are up a proverbial tributary without adequate means of propulsion. You will probably stop drinking on your own, maybe thirty years from now. Why take a little rat poison every day until it happens? And if it happens, it’s game over for you anyway. Here’s the bottom line. Tomorrow morning at 9:00 AM Dr. Johnson and myself will meet you in our psychedelic unit. There, you will receive an oral infusion of lysergic acid and mescaline. You will then lie back on the chesterfield. The nurse will place a folded towel over your face. Now this is very important. Under no condition must you remove the towel. Do you understand?” Sax nods his head.

Hillary then pulls a chair over to the bed, seats himself and leans forward. “You are going to undergo a very deep personal experience. Your mind is very strong. It required a tremendous effort of will to overcome your setbacks and become the champion of the world. Now, that will is turned against you trying to destroy you. It’s as simple as that. Tomorrow, as you journey through the world of your mind, somewhere, someplace, something in that world is going to kill you.” Sax turns away. “Sax, you’ve got to do it. There is no other way.” Hillary, louder now, “let it go! Let it kill you. Remember this thing is as strong as you are. It is your equal. If you can do it you are free forever. We think you can. We’re all with you.” Hillary stands up, places his hand on Sax'’ shoulder and says, “get some rest now. We’ll see you at 9:00.” Hillary leaves the room. Sax, still seated on the bed, head lowered, staring at the floor.

                A fitful night – waiting for the dawn – wondering how it will all end – will it happen as they said! – I WANTED IT TO, Perhaps then, once more I could become the little boy I once knew and loved in that other world. I WOULD BLESS THE CESSATION OF EXISTENCE, AS I NOW KNOW IT SHOULD IT HAPPEN, no regrets no more of that and the sickness that was eating me out on the inside. I was ready – I was able. -_

                  8:30 A.M. – Nurse enters, “ No breakfast for you Sonny Boy.” Depositing clean pajamas and slippers on the bed. “ Be back shortly to take you down.”                                                                               

                  SEATED ON A PLUSH CHESTERFIELD, low coffee table at arms reach – drapes drawn, obscuring a beautiful morn outside, darkening, shadowing an exquisitely furnished, spacious room.

Two seated figures, Hillary and Johnson. Several minutes pass, The stillness, undisturbed, pervades the soundproofed room. Nurse enters placing a tray on the coffee table containing a half tumbler of amber colored fluid and leaves. DRINK IT ALL SAX NOW! The acoustic surroundings dull the sharpness of the command. I knew they were waiting, watching…. WELL, HERE GOES and I’m not going to say cheers. Downing the glass. Extended silence. I sensed I WAS LOSING CONTACT WITH TIME, WITH REALITY. . SUDDENLY THE ROOM DARKENED FOR AN INSTANT AND THE LIGHT RETURNED. I blurted out, “ A CLOUD PASSED IN FRONT OF THE SUN!” Hillary approaches towel in hand, then folds it. His voice softened, “ Lay back and stretch out, put this on your face, then he semi-smiled,” Bon Voyage.”

          TOWEL BLINDED, STARING INTO DARKNESS EXPECTANTLY. Is this it? Well, let’s get it on!…a sign..any sign. Then it happened! Not as I thought it would. A SOUND…. HAMMERING ON A PIPE WITH A WRENCH. My senses incredibly acute. THE NEEDLE ON A RECORD! Then a symphony..BUCKNER impelling an inward drifting that lasted hours producing a state of unawareness, alienating me from all sense impressions experienced since birth. I WAS TRULY ALONE. ONLY DIRECT PERCEPTION AND EMOTION REMAINED.

FLASHBACK...Floating downwards suspended in an earthen tunnel askew with sculls, bones. The incessant sound of Buckner compels an ever-increasing pace. ABRUPTLY THE SOUND DISAPPEARS. Lost in a vacuum, only self remains. No criteria to discern what or who you are. Deeper, deeper into the bowels of the earth. Where does it all lead? There’s nothing left but intuition. Yet I was alive and conscious outside the boundaries of “reality” Mere intellect alone is insufficient! I must submit as a moth flies into a flame. I KNEW AND ACCEPTED THE TRUTH NOW. I CAN FACE WHATEVER BEFALLS ME…………     

        I removed the towel and surveyed the room , noted the presence of Hillary. Somehow, I felt indifferent, incomplete, something was missing. It was though being in between everything, not of it. God, I thought it was over. I thought I had won. Will it ever end?…

        HOURS HAD PASSED. The morning had worn into fore-noon . I had been on the chesterfield for hours! Although physically and mentally exhausted I felt somewhat relieved but still expectant. I soon discovered that my concern was not unwarranted. I again laid back on the cushions. Hillary remained silent, watching, studying. Door opens, Johnson enters and seats himself. The silence remains unbroken. A sense of for-boding overcame me. I began to feel sick, Then it happened, a strange sensation permeated my entire body as though something was vacating, coming out of me. THERE WAS INDEED.. AS I LAY THERE, CONSCIOUS , THE FORM OF A CHUBBY, CHERUBIC LITTLE MAN ROSE OUT OF MY BODY, REMAINED MOMENTARILY, THEN DISAPPEARED . I had seen numerous  drawings of such an apparition before. Laugh if you will as I am thoroughly convinced that the gentleman in question was undoubtedly Mr. John Barleycorn in person. I can chuckle now but believe me it wasn’t funny in the least at the time it happened when the pre-mentioned gentleman was taking leave of Mr. Sax Rand.

 THE TRIP  [  the final battle for emancipation in my  “ Journey into Self takes place in the “ room, “

I REALIZE NOW THAT WHAT WAS ABOUT TO OCCUR WAS THE GRAND FINALE , THE WHOLE ENCHILADA representing the culmination of my entire experience. The final battle with that insidious adversary I thought I had destroyed still within me. THIS FORTHCOMING BATTLE WOULD BE A STRUGGLE TO THE DEATH. THIS IS WHAT HILLARY INTIMATED WHAT SEEMS NOW TO BE SO LONG AGO…….

THE MIRROR  [  Magnificent Journey, Pinewood Hospital, ]

    Screenplay [ Sax Rand ]

          THE DAY HAD EDGED ON TO LATE AFTERNOON.  Seated on the chesterfield, unaware of time, reminiscing I suppose. Lost in a world of my own. Relieved, yet apprehensive. No one had moved or spoken. Waiting for something I suppose. I know not what. THEN I SAW IT ON THE COFFEE TABLE, A ROUND SHAVING MIRROR! It could have been there for quite some time. Perhaps I didn’t want to see it. I can, perhaps, rationalize this now as an afterthought, whatever.

          So this is what they were waiting for…. For some reason I had ignored it. I didn’t want to see it. I don’t think I wanted to see anybody. Impulsively, I raised my head and looked directly at Dr. Johnson. What I saw shocked me. He was virtually unrecognizable, his face devilish, distorted. Then a voice, “ you put it there! “ Johnson continued, “ TAKE THE MIRROR AND LOOK AT YOURSELF! “

          Struggling to regain my self control, I hesitantly reached for the mirror. I didn’t want to but I knew I had to. I had this one opportunity. I may never have this chance again! It was now or never..

Screenplay manuscript [  re. Sax Rand  ]

THE FINAL BATTLE  magnificent journey, Pinewood Hospital

          That could decide the future of my life. It is said that Man is the only one among all living things on this earth that will not face facts!

          Perhaps I represent one man on this earth who is prepared to face the facts… I RAISED THE MIRROR TO MY FACE. I was encouraged to see that although I looked a little drawn things seem to be in order.

IT WAS THEN THAT EVERYTHING FELL APART!  MY FACE BEGAN TO DISSEMBLE, RE-ARRANGING and decomposing as though it was a separate entity- A FORCE BEYOND MY CONTROL!

However, I discovered that I could retard and reassemble the facial alteration with an effort of will ! However, there was no respite, it was unrelenting , interminable vacillation . I GRIPPED THE MIRROR WITH BOTH HANDS, HOLDING IT INCHES FROM MY FACE. An hour passed, struggling but to no avail, my face had degenerated to a state of hideousness , fangs protruding, horns on my head, my face partially decomposed, an eye hanging on my cheek. OVER AND OVER I FORCED MY FACE TO NORMAL ONLY TO SEE THE DISSOLUTION RETURN. Now I was close to exhaustion, my hands gripping the mirror were shaking with fatigue, overpowered here as it was in my life. I knew then that I was going to succumb …. AT THIS POINT AND ONLY AT THIS POINT THE STEEL IS READY FOR THE TEMPERING AS IT IS SO GIVEN TO ALL MEN……….

I WAS FORCED TO SUMMON ALL THE STRENGTH WITHIN MY BEING IN THE ATTEMPT TO OVERCOME, CALL IT WHAT YOU WILL, AND I HAD FAILED….. I HAD TO ACCEPT MY PHYSICAL LIMITATIONS AND BOW TO A POWER FAR GREATER THAN MYSELF AND ASK FOR HELP! …… IMMEDIATELY I WAS FILLED WITH A FORCE THAT SEEMED TO HAVE UNLIMITED POWER…. EFFORTLESSLY, I DISMISSED THE EFFECT OF THE MIRROR …I WAS FINALLY FREE!, …. I HAD BEATEN THEM ALL!

          AT THIS POINT I AM COMPELLED TO RELATE A DEEPLY MOVING, MOST UNUSUAL EXPERIENCE THAT OCCURRED IN A STATE OF FULL CONSCIOUSNESS AND IN POSSESSION OF MY FACULTIES  AT IT’S CULMINATION, DESCRIBING IT EXACTLY AS IT OCCURRED TRUTHFULLY, IMPERSONABLY, DEVOID OF INNUENDO, EMBELLISHMENT, OR BIAS……  

                                                                       Sax Rand

THE CONSUMATON

          Rough draft, manuscript “ The trip “

          Screenplay, Magnificent Journey..

          I had not moved since regaining consciousness , still propped against the chesterfield armrest struggling to regain a semblance of reality, or reorientation to find it! I slowly lowered the mirror to survey  my surroundings. IT WAS UNRECOGNIZABLE , EVERYTHING HAD CHANGED!……GOD, I  WAS SOMEWHERE BETWEEN “ THERE “ AND “ NOT THERE.”……….. ENVELOPED IN A FOG LIKE MIST LIMITING MY PERCEPTION TO MY IMMEDIATE SURROUNDING. My bodily position had remained, excepting my head  was supported by a post that extended up into the mist. I then noted that I was now lying nude on a sort of litter. I was compassed in wonderment ,expectation…. SUDDENLY I WAS DRENCHED IN A TORRENT OF BLOOD!  THEN I HEARD SINGING, women’s voices. They encircled me, pouring from golden goblets . Then they laid on me a blanket, purple in color then commenced to bear me upward. I WAS DUMBFOUNDED ….. I WAS LEAVING THE ROOM ! Then I heard Hillary, YOU’VE GOT IT .. YOU’VE GOT IT ALL!.. HOW FAR DO YOU WANT TO GO?

THE CAVERN  [  Magnificent Journey  ] continuation 1

          “ It was as though awakening somewhere be-twixt dreaming and reality, nude, spread eagle, transfixed to the earthen floor of a gigantic cave midst a cacophony of sound, flames and an assemblage of hideous , stunted figures encircling me , menacingly , yet fearfully, brandishing axes, pikes and tridents……….. SO THIS IS WHERE IT ALL ENDS – THAT MOMENT OF TRUTH THAT ALL MUST EXPERIENCE               WITHOUT EXCEPTION….       

          Enmeshed , smothered in the grip of gut wrenching fear! If I give myself up what will happen to me? (  questioning , not aloud.  ) To my amazement a voice answered from within, “ FOR THE REST OF ETERNITY YOU WILL NEVER BE ALONE ! “ … I SUBMITTED THERE AND THEN!….” I HAVE DONE.” I was alone. I felt peace. Then a strange thing happened, THE VOICE, “ WHAT NOW HAVE YOU TO GIVE ME?……. “  Aloud , “ All my blood , all my flesh , all my tears “ I heard Hillary sobbing in the background.

PLEASE NOTE  This experience occurred while I was fully conscious

And in full possession of a faculties. I am thoroughly convinced that both Hillary and Johnson witnessed what I described- as it was occurring. Dr. Johnson voiced a medical term aloud, clearly heard by myself and Hillary. FURTHER ….MY HOPES, DREAMS, EXPERIENCES, ASPIRATIONS,  from my childhood through to an elderly man will be inserted, in entirety, ongoing weekly until the point of my incapacitation so that the knowledge acquired in my lifetime is available to those who care to follow my story.

                                                                       Sax Rand